As I sit here staring at an empty note pad about to start this blog, baby boy gives me the biggest kick ever and suddenly a million and one feelings of guilt wash across me and I’m tempted to scrap this piece. But in my commitment to being true and honest to the people that go to the effort of reading my rubbish, here goes…
Not for a single second do I want anyone to think I’m being ungrateful for my circumstances as I know just how lucky I am. I’m so unbelievably grateful but that doesn’t warrant an easy ride and it’s okay to struggle and not feel like you have to hide it.
From the very minute I found out I was pregnant with baby no2, I can only describe it as an emotional rollercoaster. I was immediately over the moon and then felt sad. Sad that Isla would no longer be the baby of the house, sad that she will need to grow up and take on the role of a big sister and sad that she will have to share her parents and no longer be the centre of all our attention. For weeks, both myself and James would look at her and feel a terrible guilt. Both of us worried about spliting our time amongst another child and worried that one day Isla will think she wasn’t enough for us and that’s why we decided to have another child. COMPLETELY BONKERS but completely true. I remember crying looking at the positive pregnancy test and not knowing if it was because I was happy or because I was overwhelmed and scared.
The first 3 months of this pregnancy were such a challenge as I felt sick all the time and couldn’t be the mum to Isla that I was used to being. There were some days when I couldn’t get off the sofa and despite all her cries there was nothing she could do to persuade me down on to the floor to get trampled on, licked like a drippy ice cream and have all my facial orifices investigated. Sounds like a lucky escape but I missed it so bad. I stopped leaving the house with her altogether for about 8 weeks as I couldn’t face trying to keep up with her in public unless James or someone else was there to help me. I would be exhausted after getting us both dressed, let alone – packing her bag, fighting to put her shoes on, strapping her in the car, finding a parking space, putting the pram together, walking around the shops ensuring to seek out the nearest toilet incase I needed to do a run for it, all whilst madly impersonating Mr Tumble on loop in hope of persuading a strong headed toddler that she does indeed want to stay in her pram. Sounds like agg right?!
I’m now 20 weeks into my pregnancy and feel so much better. The sickness has gone and I have a clearer head so can rationalise the ridiculous feelings of guilt (I’ve never once thought my parents went on to have me because my sister and brother weren’t good enough.. probs true though lol) and I absolutely love sharing my life with my siblings as I’m sure Isla will. My dad is an only child and watching him struggle with unwell elderly parents is one of the main reasons I’ve always said I would like to have more than one child.
One thing is for sure, im definately not getting the rest and sleep I need this pregnancy but that’s just life. I could moan about it, stomp my feet and scream blue murder but that wouldn’t stop Isla from waking up at 6:30am and climbing into my bed shouting ‘colour colour, stairs, stairs’ whilst pointing downstairs for her colouring book and crayons. I’m absolutely sure that these are the moments that one day I will long for and miss with a real heavy heart. I’m forever reading quotes about ‘absorb your child’, ‘take in the moment’ bla bla bla and that’s exactly what I always try my hardest to do.
My body is definitely creaking a lot more this pregnancy but I suppose that’s to be expected as it’s getting on abit now. I’m nearly 27, it’s carried two babies, endured 1 labour and I’ve got no tonsils. It’s on the ride of a lifetime.
Before long I won’t be able to lean over Isla’s cot and horsey rides around the front room are becoming few and far between. But.. it won’t last forever. Soon I will be doing it with two and will wonder why I ever moaned about life being so hectic as a parent of 1.
There are days when I long to come home from work and sit in a peaceful dark corner but that rarely happens, infact it never happens. I slow down as of 8pm once Isla goes to bed but even then I have a number of things I must do before I can even consider settling down for the evening. I recently read a quote that said ‘BRB, just trying to be a good mother, great friend, loving wife, a* employee and maintain my sanity’ and I can honestly say I’ve never related to something so much.
I feel like it’s so important to share this side of my pregnancy as I’m forever receiving messages asking how I do it, how I cope etc and so here’s the truth – Some days I don’t cope and I’m sure plenty of others can sympathise.
Lots of love